


Too Much

by beware_of_fangirling



Series: Destiel One-shots [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drunk Dean, Drunkenness, Fallen Angels, Fallen Castiel, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry Castiel, I'm starting to notice a pattern with my works, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 10:24:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2618405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beware_of_fangirling/pseuds/beware_of_fangirling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the pain just builds inside soundlessly. Sometimes people are too scared to show weakness even to those they are closest to. Sometimes you reach your breaking point. Sometimes you make a bad decision and the consequences are catastrophic. Sometimes it is all too much.</p><p>Cas and Dean were both in bad places after the fall. Castiel was coping with the loss of his grace and his newfound humanity. Dean is coping with some not-so-platonic feelings towards the former angel. As always with these two, communication is key and they're locked out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Much

Cas was in really bad shape since the fall. He blamed himself for it, of course, and Dean and Sam's attempts at comforting him were futile. The nightmares haunted him with a bloody vividness and an all too realistic pain. That is, on the nights he slept. Almost half the time he stayed awake all night, either staring at the wall or crying to himself, quietly as not to wake the brothers, especially Dean.

Cas would never admit it, but he was scared of Dean. Scared that he could hurt him now that Cas was human. Scared the he would throw him out of the bunker once he was fed up with Cas' patheticness. Scared that he would decide one day that he had had enough of Cas always screwing things up. Castiel cared about Dean most in the world, but he still feared him.

It had gotten worse recently. Dean was moodier around him and he sometimes seemed to be avoiding the fallen angel. Cas seeked silent refuge in the ever-kind Sam, which seemed to make Dean even more upset. Cas knew this was because he was showing weakness, something Dean hated. It was no wonder Dean hated him too.

\- - - - - - - - - - -

Dean knew he was handling the whole fallen-Cas situation badly, but it was just too hard to be around Cas lately. The sickly grey tint to his skin and the way his ribs could be seen through his shirt served as constant reminders that Cas was now human, subjectable to pain and death. He hated seeing Cas like this, so he tried to limit the time he spent around him. He knew this probably didn't help Cas, and he hated that, but it didn't stop him, as cruel as it was.

The fact that Cas seemed to shrink around him and opted to spend more time with Sam really did not help. He had come to terms with his less-than-platonic feelings for his best friend, so it cut deep to know Cas liked his younger brother better. It was completely sensible, after all Sam was smarter, nicer, and over all better than Dean. That didn't make it hurt any less. He avoided the pain by avoiding Cas. Not good. In retrospect, really not good.

\- - - - - - - - - - -

Dean woke up in a cold sweat, his most recent nightmare still haunting him. Visions of Hell had implanted themselves in his head, but this time it wasn't him. It was Cas. Cas was the one who was being tortured. Cas was the one who had died... Which he could now that he was human. The thought teriffied Dean, shook him to the core. Sleeping any more that night was out of the question.

Sighing in resignation, Dean got up and left his room, wandering into the kitchen. He found a bottle of whiskey and downed the whole thing at once, relishing in the familiar burn. He found another and drank it just as quickly. Then another. Then another. And even though Dean was no lightweight, four bottles of whiskey whacked him out of shape. He flailed around the room, bellowing like a maniac. It wasn't long before Sam came in, followed closely by Cas.

Seeing Cas made everything so much worse, but Dean, being Dean, filtered his worry and despair into anger. As he approached Cas wobbly, the former angel's eyed widened in shock and a bit of fear, which only made Dean more upset, and thus, more enraged. He started to talk, but all the wrong words came pouring out.

"U're sucss a screw up, Casss. Can't do anythin right."  _I am so damn worried I will loose you._

"U're a burden. Weak."  _I don't want anything to happen to you_.

"Make a mess out of evrythin. Sucss a screw up."  _I need for you to always be okay._

"U're nothin without 'ur powers. Baby in a trechcoat."  _You mean so much to me._

"I never really liked 'u. Keept 'u round for the powerss. And incase we have to make a sacrifice."  _I need you in my life. You are one of the most important people to me. You keep me sane._

"I hate you."  _I love you._

Dean was now only inches away from Cas. His eyes were watery and there was absolutely nothing but hurt in them. They instantly seemed so much duller, barely even blue, just stormy grey, the sad kind of storm that leaves people lonely and cold.

Sam just started on in shock. He knew Dean didn't mean any of it but Cas didn't. Damn drunken Dean. Cas didn't run, he was unable to move. When his mouth finally regained movement, he let out a broken whisper. "Dean."

"Shud up."

Louder this time. "Dean."

"I said shud up!" The hunter roared and swung his arm back, brining the nearly empty bottle down to shatter on Cas' head. Castiel fell down with the impact of it and that was when Sam rushed forward and held Dean's arms back before he could do any more damage.

"Lemme go." Dean pushed Sam off and stumbled to his room.

As soon as he was gone Sam rushed to help Cas up, but the ex-angel pushed him away and ran to his room, leaving Sam alone. The youngest Winchester looked around the room and sighed. Things were messed up between Dean and Castiel, and they needed to be fixed, if the two weren't both so emotionally constipated.

\- - - - - - - - - - -

Dean awoke with the hangover to kill the devil. He couldn't remember anything from the night before. Slowly and unsteadily, he stumbled out of his room. Cas' door was shut tightly, which was wierd. He was normally up by now. The little nerd must have finally gotten a good night's rest, undisturbed by nightmares. Dean smiled and went to find Sammy. Maybe he could shed some light on why Dean felt like he had been hit with a train full of eight-teen wheelers loaded with bricks. 

Sam's door was ajar when Dean came to it, and he found his little brother staring troubled at the wall. Not a good sign. Bad stuff must have happened in the Metatron case or something.

"Morning Sammy-" Dean didn't get to finish his greeting when the younger hunter surged up and punched Dean solidly in the face, knocking the unsuspecting brother into the wall.  _What the hell?!?!_

"Jesus Sammy what was that for?!" Dean wiped away the dribble of blood coming from his nose and stared up at his brother, who met his gaze with a furious and slightly incredlious wide-eyed look.

" _What was that for?!?!_ That was for last night you asshole!" Sam was screaming. He could be scary when he wanted to be. 

 _Last night?_ "Sam I don't remmber anything from last night," Dean stated calmly, getting up with a worry in his brow, hands held out defnsivly incase Sam threw him another punch. What has he done? Did he say something about Jess? Mom? No, he wouldn't have.

"'Cause you were drunk of you ass!"

"Sam, will you please just  tell me what happened?"

Sam's gaze faltered for a moment. he looked confused. "You seriously don't remember?"

"Not a clue."

Angry Sam was back. "So you don't remember yelling at Cas? Screaming at him? Calling him a srew up?! A burden! Useless! Smashing a bottle over you head because you quote-on-quote  _'hate him'_!"

Dean's stomach dropped with each word. He did all of that to Cas? He couldn't... could he? Sam's words were triggering memories from the night before. Everything came rushing back. All the pain he inflicted, the worry he burried under anger and stabbing words. How could he do that to Cas? His precious Cas. Oh god...

"I have to make it right. I have to talk to him," he breathed.

Sam settled back with a grim andgry, but somehow slightly proud look. "Damn right you do."

\- - - - - - - - - - -

Dean tried everything. He pounded on the door, he tried to kick it open, he sank down to the floor and cried, bnegged for Cas to open the door, pleaded until he was hoarse and couldn't muster out a single syllable. Eventually he fell asleep, head pressed against the door and tear tracks down his face.

\- - - - - - - - - - - -

It rang out in the middle of the night. A single shot, clear as day, ricocheing throughout at massive bunker and vibrating deep into the Winchesters bones. A single shot that took away the only person Dean cared about more than his brother and the only person he would ever truly love. When Dean and Sam bust down the door with a new power, it was to find one smoking gun. One puddle of blood. One bullet hole. One former angel, as cold and still as the rock of pain that settled in Dean's very core. One note.

_I'm sorry._


End file.
